[Stan Thomas]

Confucius he say "Man who takes woman in park gets piece on earth"

[Stan Thomas]

They have now invented a venereal bomb - there's one big bang and you don't know if your gonorrhea!

[Stan Thomas]

A copper on a motorcycle stopped me and told me to slow down as an escaped elephant had just done a ton on the M6, but when he smelled my breath he said - "Your drunk"! I said "Thank God for that - I thought the steering had gone".

He said "Look at you - you've got the shakes! - do you drink much"? I said "No, I spill most of it".

He then said "Blow into this". I said "Is it a breathaliser"? He said "No - its my glove, My bloody hands are froze".

[Johnny 216GSi]

I was pulled over by motorway police the other day.

The officer approached the car and said "Did you realise you were doing 80 miles per hour?"

I said "Don't be stupid, I haven't been out an hour."

[Dorchester]

Good pun!

[ReubenVP]

One should get a Rover for their Spouse, it'll be a great trade!

[Stan Thomas]

My misus 'phoned me once, she said "I've got water in the carbuettor".

I said "How do you know that", and she said "The car's in the canal".

[ReubenVP]

I once bought a dog off a blacksmith.

As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door....

[Stan Thomas]

My pal has just had the sack after two years as a door-to-door salesman, during which time he didn't sell a thing!

I asked him why and he said "I was selling hearing aids, but the only people who needed them couldn't hear me ringing the doorbell".

[ReubenVP]

Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket.

How long have you felt like this?

Ever since I was Lidl.