[Johnny 216GSi]

Two flies playing football in a saucer.

One says to the other: “Make an effort mate, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow."

[Johnny 216GSi]

To combat my addiction to hot, sunny weather, I've decided to only go on holiday in the winter.

Yep, that's right - this year I'm going cold-Turkey.

[ReubenVP]

I learnt to play the drums when I was younger.

I thought of taking it up again but I am concerned about the repercussions.

[Stan Thomas]

Reuben, when I was only three years old I played on the linoleum.

[SteveB]

What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two...

[Stan Thomas]

If a symphony conductor marries a champion cyclist, what would they call their first child?

Handelbar.

[ReubenVP]

The Beach Boys walk into a bar.

Round?
Round....
Get a round?
I'll get a round.

[Johnny 216GSi]

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.

I thought: ‘This could be interesting.'”

[Johnny 216GSi]

Apparently, one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed.

Which is really weird if you think about it, as those places are really well lit.

[Johnny 216GSi]

Just a quick piece of advice.

If you're being chased by a group of taxidermists, don't play dead. It won't work.