[Johnny 216GSi]

NASA have shelved plans to send a duck into space, as the bill would be astronomical.

[ReubenVP]

How do you make a duck into a singer?


Put it in a microwave until it Bill Withers.

[Johnny 216GSi]

I was stung by a bee yesterday.

£40 for a jar of honey! Outrageous.

[Stan Thomas]

Saw my mother-in-law off on the train yesterday, and the wife said "Why are your hands dirty"? and I said "I was patting the engine".

We had been to Madam Tussauds, and in the Chamber of Horrors the attendant asked me to keep her moving as they were stock taking.

I first met the mother-in-law in Wales - she had fallen off the flag. She used to be an air hostess - on a Zeppelin. When she puts her make-up on, the lipstick scrambles back in the tube. She also has varicous veins - when she lies on the beach she looks like a map of the motorways.

When our son was born she said he looked just like me - lying on his back holding a bottle.

[Johnny 216GSi]

I was walking down the street when someone started throwing pots of yoghurt at me.

I thought "How dairy"! (Dare he)

[ReubenVP]

My glass coffin company "remains to be seen" is not doing as well as I thought it would.

[Johnny 216GSi]

My glass coffin company "remains to be seen" is not doing as well as I thought it would.

[Johnny 216GSi]

I bought a new sweater recently but when I started wearing it, it picked up quite a lot of static electricity.

So I took it back to the shop and they gave me another one free of charge.

[ReubenVP]

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

[Dorchester]

Good ones!