[Stan Thomas]

Theres a talk on schizophrenia at our village hall tomorrow night, and I'm in two minds whether to go or not.

[ReubenVP]

The local police station had its toilet stolen.


They have nothing to go on!

[Stan Thomas]

You can't you get french fries in Wiltshire. ............................?

............................because they have no Devises for Chippenham.

[ReubenVP]

Why did the student eat their homework?

Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

[Liverpoolman1]

Friend was stopped for doing 85 in a 60 mph limit recently.
“So what’s your excuse?”, asked the traffic cop
“Well, my wife ran off with one of your traffic bods two years ago”, he replied, “ and when I saw the blue flashing lights i thought he was bringing her back”.

[Stan Thomas]

Telepathy does exist - otherwise how else would it be the wives of Rover owners all use the same expressions? Here a but a few:

"How long you going to be? "Your dinner's getting cold". How much have you paid for that"? "You're not bringing that in my k1tchen"! "You said that an hour ago". "Don't you know what time it is"?

"Arn't you coming to sit with me"?

[ReubenVP]

What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?


A small medium at large.

[Johnny 216GSi]

I was out and about today and I saw two birds stuck together.

They must have been Velcrows.

[Dorchester]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The AirBus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
The moral of the story is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.
Dedicated to all my senior friends ~ it’s time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip.
Author Unknown
Good evening everyone (courtesy of FB...)

[ReubenVP]

I changed my car horn sound to gunshots.


People move over now much faster.