[Stan Thomas]

Had a 'phone call at three-o-clock this morning from someone asking for "a push".

I looked out the bedroom window - but could not see a car or anything in sight - so I asked "Where are you"? .......................... and the man replied I'm over here - on the swings".

[ReubenVP]

I've recently been fired from my job as a taxi driver.


I found out customers don't like it when you go the extra mile

[Johnny 216GSi]

I opened a new bank account today, but I then discovered there was no way for me to pay money in.

I just couldn't credit it.

[ReubenVP]

What was the name of the Egyptian who was buried with chocolates and nuts?


Pharaoh Rocher.

[Johnny 216GSi]

Did you hear that the inventor of the speedboat died this week?

The funeral is next Wednesday, followed by the wake.

[Johnny 216GSi]

At 60, my grandmother started walking 5 miles a day to keep fit.

She's 97 now and we haven't got a clue where she is.

[Johnny 216GSi]

I've been trying skipping at the local gym to keep fit, but I'm rubbish at it.

I've employed a personal trainer now to monitor my progress.

They've promised to keep me in the loop.

[ReubenVP]

I'm on a light diet.

I eat by daylight, by moonlight, and sometimes by the refrigerator light.

[Johnny 216GSi]

Someone asked me if I had a joke about brown sugar.

Jokes about white sugar are rare.

Jokes about brown sugar, well, Dem er rarer.

[ReubenVP]

I got mugged by six dwarves last night.


Not happy.