Why doesn't Elton John eat Iceberg lettuce? Because he's a rocket man. Why did the man fall down the well? Because he didn't see that well. I wasn't too hungry when I arrived at the fast food chain, so I had a kid's meal. His mother wasn't too happy. I don't trust stairs. They're always up to someth...

My family have been Conga champions for decades.

I'm the last in a long line.

Why did the male owl abandon his attempts to date a female owl in the rain?

It was too wet to woo.

I rubbed tomato ketchup into my eyes.

I wouldn't do it again, in Heinz-sight.

How many Motown jokes do I know?

Three, maybe four tops.

I've just bought a bottle of Fred Flinstone aftershave.

It's got a very strong smell and you don't need to use much.

A little dab'll do.

I'm just wondering if just rubbing it around with a drop of oil from the engine is all that's needed. If you think about the rest of the engine, the oil filter, the cam and crank seals, etc. then a garage would just rub a drop of motor oil on all those seals prior to fitting. It's only to stop the s...

I went to my local library today and asked for a book on turtles.

The library assistant asked "Hardback?"

I answered "Yeah, that's them. And little heads."

I got a 7-days a week job in an ice cream factory.

I got sacked after a few days as I couldn't make Sundaes.

I went for a job in a green grocers.

They wanted to pay me in vegetables but I objected to the celery.